anne's blog

moody me

I am having one of those anxiety attacks today. My heart is beating fast, my pulse racing and my mind can’t seem to stop thinking about so many things. Even as I am typing now, I am having this feeling of agitation. Too much caffeine? I don’t think so. I want a puff right now just to ease my anxiety. It started yesterday when I woke up. And I still wasn’t able to shake it off me until now.

 

Working has helped me in so many ways to conquer my depression but sometimes, I still feel the blues. I don’t know, maybe I need my medication again. Flouxetine and Lorazepam. I am lucky to have my co-worker/boss listen to me, just like a therapist but somehow, I try to limit my blabbing because she might get tired of listening. I wish I could talk to my doctor right now but I can’t afford it. That’s just isn’t in my list of priorities. But sometimes I thought that I ought to save up for it to save my sanity.

 

I don’t understand my moods. Two days ago , I was very positive about life and now, I’m thinking about so many negative things. This morning I was so high on happiness talking with everybody here, but now that I am alone, I suddenly feel so lonely and down .I don’t want to go back to my depression days when I was on medication. As a side effect, I was paranoid most of the time, and I was having auditory hallucinations. I thought I heard people talking or babies crying but it was all in my mind. I thought that  I was over with that stage, even though I wasn’t able to finish the 6-month medication because I got pregnant. I thought that if I changed the way I looked at life like what my husband said, I would be able to overcome all these things that are happening to me. But it didn’t , because depression is an illness, not a state of mind.

 

Some people say that they understand depression or us, who has depression disorder, but , I think that no one will really understand it to the truest meaning of the word, if they haven’t been there. Why am I even mentioning this and seems to be open about my depression? I am not ashamed to admit that I suffer from that. And I have seen and experienced the consequences of an untreated depression. I want the world to be aware that this is a disease that kills especially the spirit , destroys  relationships and changes your whole being. Thank God for modern medicine. But relying on the medicine isn’t enough. The will to be well also counts.

 

I want to be well, that’s why I am striving to. But the road to happiness and wellness seems long and winding and along the way are numerous obstacles. But I see the bright new day looming on the horizon, I just don’t know how to get there... yet .

 

Below are the list of things that I sometimes do to conquer my anxiety or depression:

 

1. Cutting. No, not cutting your own skin (I did that before too! ) , but cutting paper or anything. I find it so therapeutic and calming. Even if your mind wander while you cut, it still has it’s calming and relaxing effect.
2. Coloring or sketching. Just doodle away.
3. Make paper beads out of brochures or colored hand-outs .(that’s where your flyers went!)
4. Make a journal. Blog or write anything or whatever is on your mind and heart. This is what my therapist recommended for me to do when I have no one else to talk to.
5. Pray. Need I say more?

 

 

For more information on depression and anxiety. I recommend this site.:http://www.depression.com

Bet your life

Manny-pacquiao-vs-miguel-cotto

Yesterday was Manny Pacquiao and Miguel Cotto’s fight. I wanted to stay home and watch it on television but my daughter was insisting that we go to my aunt’s place in Makati City so she can swim in their pool. I wasn’t really keen on that because I was having a migraine but looking at her sad face when I said no, my heart melted. Anyways, it’s been a while since we last went there. So I finally give in.

 

The problem with having to leave house on a Manny Pacquiao fight day is that you can’t get a cab easily. Sure the roads are cleared of the usual traffic, even the MRT was half empty, but getting a taxi was a bit difficult . Our house is near the road and usually cabs come and go on the street, but yesterday, I was surprised to find none. So, after waiting for nearly an hour for an empty cab, we were able to get our ride.

 

The cab driver was very excited about the fight that he even told my husband to turn on the radio at home so he can have the updated blow by blow events. The radio in the cab was loud enough to make my kids irritated and start crying. But the driver was such in a happy mood and he apologized that for the loud volume on the radio, he said he made a bet of six thousand pesos in favor of Pacman. I asked who was fool enough to bet with him in favor of Cotto and he replied it was his brother-in-law. I asked, “Why, is he not a Filipino?” and he said ,”he is but don’t like Manny”. Oh well, I thought every Filipino loves Manny Pacquiao. But then , I don’t also like him at times  but on a boxing bout, I would always favor him over the opponent. Of course, let’s love our own countryman.

 

So, going back to my story, the driver was intent on listening to the blow by blow report that I was afraid he was not concentrating on his driving. He was such in a happy mood because he said he was going to win. If Manny wins, his family will have a better Christmas. If Manny loses, goodbye to a happy one. If Manny wins, he will go home immediately because he already has his boundary for the day and will not work until today. If Manny loses, then goodbye to the six thousand pesos he bet.

I was thinking how he could do such a thing to his family, using that amount of money to bet on a game instead of just saving it for Christmas. I do believe that Manny was a sure win, but what if he lost? In my opinion, betting that kind of money would only be okay if you are earning more than what you bet. I might be wrong but of course each one of us has different opinions.

 

So we were already a corner near Aguirre at the time of the seventh round, when the driver said, “Ma’am , if the fight is over and Manny won, I would have given you this ride for free.”  I said, “ Oh it’s okay. Just go and buy something for your family. Thanks anyway.”

 

I think the only thing I would have agreed with all this betting game would be the last one. There’s a  saying that goes this way : “Life is a big gamble” but I never thought some people take it literally. :)

 

Train rides and morning rush

Mrt

I take the train everyday and boy! It is an adventure all by itself. I have been taking rides years ago, but I still can’t quite get the hang of it. Out of boredom while I was waiting for my stop, I had an idea.I divided the people that take the train into three categories, the newbies , the veterans and the thinkers.

 

The "newbies" are those who are just starting to take the train and lost their loyalty over the good old bus. They are the ones who just got fed up with the slow traffic in our country. These people are the ones you hear complaining about how crowded it is inside the coaches, that their feet are stepped on by somebody who didn’t care watching where he walked and those who groan each time someobody pushes him from behind.

 

The "veterans:, on the other hand, are those who have been taking rides for years. They know the techniques on how to get past the swarm of people in the coach entrance. They may be way past behind you but in a blink of an eye, for all you know, they beat you to the door. These people are the ones pushing, stepping on your toes without even saying sorry , and they know how to get to the good spots.

 

The "thinkers", or the wise (I think I fall in this category) are the people whom you call “siguristas” or in English  “sure-getters” (I don’t know if there is such a word J).They wake up early so they can make a round-trip. With that, I mean taking the ride all the way to the last station and never getting off the train to get back. Get what I mean? For example : my station is in Cubao, I take the train all the way to North Ave. then literally take the same train back to Ayala without having to get off the train. That way, I would be able to get the best seats if there are still some left, or, at least have a good spot where I can lean and have something to hold on to.

 

I do this everyday except when I am tired of the morning rush. That’s when I take the bus. I know that roundtrips are not allowed in the North Ave station, but many people are doing it. Only the pregnant , the disabled and senior citizens are allowed to do that. This morning, the guard came to me and asked if I was pregnant, I told him yes. Since I was skinny and wearing tight-fitting jeans, he said I wasn’t. I casually told him, okay, show me proofs that I’m not. With that, he left me and went to check on other stubborn passengers like me.

 

Law-breaker? Maybe,but I’m just trying to survive in this city jungle. Everyday is a game of survival where the weaker ones lose and the stronger ones win. I am  not proud of this but, hey , i gotta do it to survive!

 

 

to blog or not to blog

I just started to work for an English language center and a part of my job is to blog regularly. I know i can write, i had that talent when i was still studying, but somehow after a series of childbirth it seems like i have writer's block more often than I used to. Maybe i don't really know how to write, or maybe i just lack inspiration right now. I am thankful though that i got a job that requires me to the things that i love to do, and still get paid for it.

So what do i blog about today?Hmm.. It is a fact that the best things that you can write about are the things that are happening to you right now. Or something that comes from the heart.The only thing that crossed my mind when I was thinking about what to write was to make a list of the blessings that i had today,or things that i should be thankful of. Life is not so perfect right now because of the financial state of most of us are in because of the recession, but it is not a reason not to be thankful for the everyday that we are given to live.So, let me count my blessings and be thankful for it.

1. I am thankful that today i was given the opportunity to work in a peaceful and stressless environment. And at least, i have a job.
2. I am thankful for the food delivery lady that i do not have to go out for lunch. the sun is scorching hot at noon.
3. I am thankful that we were able to close a deal for our corporate account.It means more clients, more benefits for   us.
4. I am thankful that my father-in-law came to our rescue again with some problems i have at home.
5. I am thankful that this morning I was able to sit down in the Metro train. If you live in the Philippines and you're taking the train to work or to go to places, you're lucky to be able to sit down all through the ride.
6. I am thankful to wake up next to my family. Most Filipino families are separated from each other because one or two members have to go abroad to work.
7.I am thankful that my kids are still free of the cough and cold that i have since last monday,
8. I am thankful for the free coffee in my office. Imagine if i have to buy starbucks all the time.:)
9. I am thankful for family members who are always willing to help me out with anything and asks nothing in return.
10. Lastly, i am thankful for another opportunity to live and experience life!

Of course, i still have so many things to be thankful of. These are just a few of those things. Sometimes, I tend to be so absorbed  worrying over problems that i forgot the most important thing of all..to be thankful for the life I have because life is good. I was not born to lead a bad life.I am  the captain of my life, and so it is up to me how i can live a good one .

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